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Sunday, June 10, 2012

This Is Bigger Than Me

I am surrounded by boxes and packing tape. Big, fat, salty tears have been rolling down my cheeks as I wrap up precious treasures. In less than a month I will be moving and I have no idea where I am going.

That is probably a very strange concept for most of you, reading those words.

This is not a concept unfamiliar to me~ it  transports me back to 1985. But I was a child living in foster care then. I really thought those days were far, far behind me. I had hoped so.

I can do this.

First, I have to push down huge, gasping sobs so my kids won’t hear me. Because if they see mama panic… they’ll panic. 

Just three hours ago I had SO much hope. It was bubbling over.

After church we did a drive by on a house. I felt it.

Yesterday while we looked at house after house I didn’t.

But today, we walked in and even Mr. D├ęcor felt it.

Home.

Two weeks ago I had the same feeling. But that house was not to be.

Surely, surely, after all that we have been through in the past several months...

Some days I feel awesome just for the fact that I got out of bed.

The gray could cover and smother me if I let it.

I don’t.

I tell myself “I can do this.”

I have quit asking “What else can go wrong?”

I now know that God can give someone more than they can handle.

But I can do this.

Then the realtor called and for the fourth time in three weeks someone else now owns what I thought was my future. Someone who doesn’t need a home, just another investment property.

I am running out of time.

I look at my husband, my kids and two dogs. One of whom was a homeless emotional mess dropped off on my front porch a little over two weeks ago. He is just now starting to trust. 

I am the person.

You know, the one who makes everything ok.

I may be thinking “What the hell are we going to do?” but it can’t show.

Because I am the person.

Waves of sadness are crashing over me. It’s in me, down deep, to really freak out. I can feel it.

I am now in the kitchen washing glassware because I don’t like to wrap up dusty dishes.

OCD freak for sure.

It feels like I am washing what seems to be the 100th votive holder of the day. My mind then wanders and asks “How many votive holders do I have?” I start going from room to room collecting these various containers of burnt offerings.

I start to laugh.

Votive holder. No, votive HOARDER.

I have a problem. It appears that I have enough votive candles and holders to stock a cathedral.

This problem makes the other larger, almost impossible problems go away. For awhile.

In the midst of my quiet smile I softly hear “This is bigger than you.”

“What?”

“It might be happening to you, but it is not about you.”

“Ah, I see. Well then, you must have a plan. So, I guess I’ll roll with it.”

I think about the first house. I liked it.

I think about the second house. I really liked it.

The third and fourth house were so full of amazing potential…

I just need to keep the faith. Because this is bigger than me. I can feel it. I can do this. But prayer sure can help.

Laura

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” ~2 Corinthians 5:7 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” ~ Proverbs 3:5

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

54 comments :

Perfectly Printed said...

Keep the faith girl!! Lots of people are praying for you!!!

Hugs chris

jeanetteann said...

and I'm one of them. Chin up, what's for you will not go past you. It's there waiting to find you. xoo

SheilaG @ Plum Doodles said...

Those waiting growing times are always so hard. Wondering why God's timing is never ours. I'm praying God will give you joy and anticipation in the midst.

Joani said...

Hugs. I'm also praying for you and yours.

Ann@A Sentimental Life said...

in the worst day of my life I can remember my Uncle telling me "everything happens for a reason, you don't know why at the time, but it does". Such lost words to me on that day but over the years I have thought about it and he was right...
Keep talking we are listening.

Lori @ Katies Rose Cottage Designs said...

Oh Laura I am so sorry!! It is so hard to be going through the "wilderness" ~
A few months ago we were totally going through one huge trial after another and it seemed so very overwhelming ~
Now when we look back we see how God worked and wove every detail together ~
I had to literally give it to Him constantly through the day ....
Have you heard of the book "Jesus Calling" ~ it is daily devotionals that take about 10 minutes to read and are sooooo good ~

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

It's hard, Laura. You take your private moments to be sad, cry or vent, and then show your brave face to the family. It's what we do. I think there must be a better house out there for you. I always think that things happen for a reason and I'm sure you will find yours. It may be that it is just being listed now, so hold on, you'll find it.

Kathy B. said...

I understand perfectly because I have been through the same thing several times being transferred with my husband's job. We've even ended up renting for awhile & putting our stuff in storage until the right house came along, which seemed like a tragedy at the time but worked out fine. I don't know if this will help you, but I have had a "growing experience" within the last month. You see, my dear MIL became ill & passed away unexpectedly at 80 yrs. old. Her house & "things" were extremely important to her & she couldn't bear to part with much at all! Her home & belongings began to own her instead of the other way around, even when they were no longer useful. During that time in the hospital & now faced with the almost unfathomable chore of getting rid of all this stuff, it has brought the family closer together & we've all realized that it really is about the people who make up a home & family & not about the things & house itself. We have made a pact to not let our homes & belongings get out of hand (they really are all just temporarily on loan from God)& to stay close to one another even though the central figure of the family is now gone. I know you know this mentally, but are not quite feeling it your heart yet. It will come. Just keep telling yourself you would live in a tent to stay together with each other if you had to, because that is what really matters, not the walls that surround you. God has the perfect house picked out for you--for some reason it must be so special he has decided not to show it to you yet! Patience is not one of my strong points either, so maybe this is one of those "growing experiences" for you too. I'm sorry this post is so long, but I did want you to know I sympathize with how you feel. Things will work out exactly how they are supposed to. I am praying for you to find peace with all of this, and to relax a little & enjoy the new perspective & cleansing process (& in your case cleaning!) a new move can bring.

Glenda said...

Well your not the first person ever in this position. When I sold my home back in 2010 I had no place to go. I stayed at a residents inn for 3 months until I ran out of money. I still have no place to live as of yet permanently in 2012. Now I am a caregiver to an ungrateful man and hating my circumstances every growing day. I have no one to lean on but myself and it's getting harder and harder to endure.
So, consider yourself lucky, you have a support system aka "hubby" to help you get through the hard times and the hard decisions you face something I don't have, I am on my own.
You'll find a place even if it's temporary at first until you find the one place you'll call home. So wipe those tears and move on.

sissie said...

Hi Laura,
I understand your pain and frustration and in time the right things will fall into place for you.....of this, I'm sure.

A few years ago we had our house up for sale and it sold. Just three days before closing the couple backed out. We were left with the Allied moving van sitting out front, everything in the house packed with boxes everywhere, a deposit on a temporary place we were moving to and so and so forth.
We were devastated to say the least. It was painful and to this day I haven't really recovered from it all. But life goes on...I believe it all happened for a reason. We are now trying to sell again and hoping that it will go our way this time.

I have read the others comments and totally agree.

Please know that you are not alone.

hugs
Sissie

Karena said...

Laura I truly understand, your family is always in my thoughts and prayers; and I have been in this position.

Have you thought anymore about making an interim move to Rent a nice patio or town-home.

It would serve the purpose of taking the pressure off, you can then take your time to find a home to move into.

Something to discuss with Mr Decor at least.

Anita's Parisian Party
xoxo
Karena
Art by Karena

Shelley {Crazy Wonderful} said...

Many hugs and prayers sent your way Laura! In times like this I always have to remind myself He has a plan for us, even if it appears there isn't or we don't understand it at the time. But, I completely understand how you're feeling though. It definitely stinks at the time you're going through it, no matter how many times people say it will turn out ok. Hugs!!!

Kelley said...

It struck me-- the comment that God can give someone more than he or she can bear.

Perhaps that's because He wants me to turn to Him, give it to Him, need Him to bear it because it's. just. too. much. for. me. to. bear.

Lord,
Our Laura needs You to show her. May she lean ever closer to You. And Lord, give her the courage, the strength to just get the house boxed up. She can do what she can and let You worry about the rest. You're going to be up all night anyway, right?

I put this request in my prayer box.

Kelley

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

Prayers and hugs for you my friend!! I am hoping you find a place soon!

Vicki said...

Just three and a half years ago I was where you are now. Our house was auctioned out from under us on a Tue. A man showed up on Fri and said we had to be out by Mon. We had no where to go. I thought FOR SURE we would be homeless. But, God provided. We've lived in our rental home for three and a half years now. Is it what I would have chosen? NO! Am I grateful for it each and every day? YES! Some days more grateful than others, haha. I promise you Laura, that He does have a plan and that everything will work out. I can also promise you that some day you will look back at what you're going through now and BE AMAZED that you passed through it successfully. I'll keep praying while you keep packing...

Lorrie said...

Virtual hugs with real prayers for you this morning, Laura. These hard times are inexplicable in the midst of them, but when you come through, you'll look back and see God's hand somewhere, everywhere.

Perhaps we should begin a Votive Hoarder's Anonymous Group. I could be a charter member.

Polly @ Make Mine Beautiful said...

Sweet Laura, I do believe the Lord is wanting your attention, and your faith. I know this is hard, but in the end, I have no doubt you will be thankful for whatever He has brought you to, and through.

Let me tell you a little story. 3 years ago we decided to leave Denver to move back home south. We believed that the Lord would make a way, and He did, but with a price. We moved to one area a few hours from home. We found the perfect rental house in the wrong town. :) We used up our savings waiting for jobs to come through. One finally came thru for the hubby, but at 1/3rd of what he was used to making. For me - nothing. And I mean nothing. We struggled through that first year of moving back literally on a wing and a prayer. A job finally came through for me, but 2 hours away. Hubby was working 1 hour away, so we decided we needed to move to a more central location. Long story short, everything went into storage for 6 months while we lived in an extended stay hotel, while we both worked and looked for a house. We were used to living in a large home, and there just weren't any to be found in our price range that didn't require major overhauls. Tired of living in a hotel, we decided to rent anything that would work just to get in a house. I cried at going from 4500 sq feet to 2200. I bellyached to everyone that would listen.

Fast forward a year later - we're still in that house and we're fine. In fact, God has taught us so many lessons in the new house and put so many people in our path that we would've never met if we hadn't landed here. We always wanted to have a creek - we got a beautiful one. We had to have a workroom - this house has 3! My landlord is a preacher and he's been such a blessing, and often tells us what a blessing we are to him. Turns out, this house is in a central location to my family, so has become a place for family get togethers - something we never had anywhere else. I could go on and on at the small blessings, but the biggest one of all was learning that we didn't need all that room and all those things that I was so connected to. When you shed the things, some emotional baggage goes with it.

God KNOWS what he has in store for you - plans to prosper you and not harm you. You may end up in a rental for a while, but trust that it will all work together for good in the end. I'll be lifting you up in prayer.

Ceekay-Thinkin of Home/Doublewide Decor said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I really do know how you are feeling...you KNOW I do.
I don't know why sometimes it seems like the Lord chooses to wait to the very last second. But we know He has his reasons. I know that doesn't help...I know you don't want to hear it, you just want to know where you are going. I still believe He has something wonderful for you. It may not seem like it at first...I KNOW that too...I am still getting used to my new place...but I am OK. You WILL BE OK!! Love you.

Jeannine said...

Cling to Jeremiah 29:11

The Boston Lady said...

Laura, I can so relate to this these days... I was in full panic mode last night. This is one of the reasons we will rent when we first land in CA we will rent, but I have NO IDEA WHERE! Deep breaths, and you have the right idea - humor will save us everytime. Keeping you all in our thoughts. Ann

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Kathy B I have no way to contact you but please know how much I appreciate what you shared.

To all, you are a beautiful blessing.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Glenda I am praying for you. I am here if you need me.

Maple Lane said...

Hi Laura, I know you feel the burden of being the strong one; the one to give your family a sense of calm. Hopefully, knowing that you don't have to always be strong among your blog friends helps and certainly, the prayers of so many sisters in Christ must give you strength for the journey. God bless, dear friend.
Mildred

Maple Lane said...

I want to share the lyrics to a favorite old hymn:

Song lyrics to In Times Like These:
In Times Like These
(Ruth Caye Jones - Mother Jones)

In times like these, you need a Savior
In times like these you need an anchor
Be very sure, be very sure
Your ancor holds and grips the Solid Rock

This Rock is Jesus, Yes, He's the one
This Rock is Jesus, The only One
Be very sure, be very sure
Your anchor holds and grips the Solid Rock

Little Leslie said...

I like what Jeanette said "What is for you, will not go past you"
Les

joleneotten said...

You are in my prayers! I know how hard it is to not have a "home" to go to - and, after moving 6 times in 5 years, I know how incredibly hard it is to trust, when you are never quite sure what is happening or what God's plan is! Praying that you will have peace and trust - it sure isn't easy!

Sandy said...

Laura,

I wish I could wrap up a house tied in a big red bow and send it to you via FedEX overnight! Still praying!

Redhead Sadie said...

I love you, my sweet friend.

Miss Jenny

Lorie said...

Just over two years ago, when we moved from AZ to TX, I was in a similar place. We were running out of time and trying to find a place to live in a state I had only visited once. Without even being there!!!

It led us to a rental that I didn't love, but in that home I found a neighborhood and a school and friends for my children and myself that I ADORE! Not to mention many other blessings.

Next week we get to move into a house that I love that is right around the corner from where we are. A house that has so many things we have been dreaming of our entire life. Hopefully you will find peace and know that this adventure is leading you somewhere!

Happy Cottage Quilter said...

Laura, we have been going through a different kind of stress these last couple of weeks. I wrote a post on my thrifting blog for Spiritual Sunday. Please come by and visit.

Jocelyn @
http://justalittlesouthernhospitality.blogspot.com

Scargosun said...

From a ramekin hoarder to a votive hoarder...why are you 'the one'. Why is it only you that makes it all ok. It can't always be like that because you will run out eventually. Those people that count on you, they love you too and you need to let your faith in their love allow you to ask for help.

Lisa said...

Laura,
What you've seen has been good but I believe God has the best for you and your family. Hang on!
PS You are going to have an awesome testimony about the faithfulness of God.:)

openid said...

Dear Laura,

I didn't expect to see a post here but I am thankful that you shared and for the comments that followed. I have experienced the loss of things, pets and people and learned Kathy B's lesson early in life. You will never be homeless. You already live in thousands of your reader's hearts and are always welcome under our roof. I KNOW God has plan. You remain in our prayers.

Love,
Deborah
FairfieldHouseNJ.com

GARAGE SALE GAL ~ Deb's Earthly Delights said...

Hi Laura,
We may "feel" it is bigger than us...however it is NOT BIGGER than GOD!! Praying for your new home and PEACE for your heart.
TIMING,..it isn't ours!
Warmly,
deb

KaseyQ said...

One summer when I was a kid my mom was 8 months pregnant with her 3rd child, my little sister, and we were homeless. We were having a house built, but it was taking way longer than originally planned, and we literally had no home. We bounced around between hotels, housesitting, even camping. As a kid, I thought it was lots of fun- like being on vacation all summer long! Finally, my mom moved our beds into the house and would sneak us in after the workers had gone home, then have us make our beds and sneak us out before they arrived the next morning. We weren't supposed to be there without the COA, but she was desperate.

I can only imagine how stressful that summer was for her, and I feel for you. The scariest, most stressful things in life are the ones where we don't know the outcome. It's the monster-under-the-bed syndrome. Just trust, and let go and let God. Do what you can do and leave the rest to Him. ((HUGS)) (and prayers!)

Pat@Life At Lydias House said...

Sweet Laura,
I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and rightly so. This is bigger than you are but it is not bigger than our God. Be strong and take courage, for the Lord has gone before you. My prayer is that He will reveal His plan to you SOON and that you will be anxious for nothing until He does! Keep walking by faith, one step after the other.
In His love,
Pat

5th and State said...

i wonder what He has in story for all of you, it must be very special
we will be beside you cheering you on
blessings-
debra

Whimsey Creations said...

Every new door you open is an opportunity. Don't forget that! When it's the right place, you'll get it - simple as that. And in the meantime - something will happen to make things right - He always takes care of us that way.

Jill Elaine said...

Thinking of all of you and praying. God please show them their new house soon!

michele said...

Jeremiah 29:11 has special meaning for me too, and all of His promises are true. there IS a plan for you, and it's perfect.

i am praying for you this very moment.

michele

Vel Baricuatro-Criste, MD said...

i know what it feels like, we had to move twice in 1 year! I admire your faith and for sure this is one hurdle you'll breeze thru! ;-)

Pam~ Virginia Retro said...

Laura, Sending a hug and a prayer. You are strong, you will make it through, you and your family will come through just fine. Close your eyes and see it, it's there. The lows can be so low, but there will be a high, have faith! Pam

Yvonne @ StoneGable said...

I a shedding a tear along with you, dear Laura! I am so sorry things have come to a place of frantic!
I am praying for you right now and will continue to pray! You are right... you know truth! God does have this and we can trust Him in all tings. I pray that He is the one holding on to you and I pray that He shows Himself so big in this situation and you are in AWE!
God bless you and keep you!
The Lord looks after those who love HIM~ Ps 145:20.

Charm Bracelet Diva said...

So many of the things you write about ring true with me, including this. My husband and I have been married 18 years and we're living in our fourth house. Philadelphia, Kansas City, Chicago.....with every move there has been trepidation, resistance even. But his job necessitated it. The last time we were house hunting I was pumping breast milk in the car as we drove from house to house. Three kids under 4 years old....We have come to the conclusion that it's not where you live, but who you're with. And that as long as we're together we're HOME. Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find. It's out there, Laura. And I can't wait to hear all about it! Hang in there.

Kathleen

Louise said...

A little bit of my story:

Husband laid off from a decent job in Feb 2009, I am laid off from a little job I didn't really like in Aug 2009. Even son was laid off from his teen job in a coffee shop that year when it closed! Would have been no big deal as a rule but then he had to ask mum and dad for gas money, and mum and dad were struggling!

We lost our house to foreclosure, it wasn't anything fancy but I had put a LOT of heart and soul and creativity into that house, like you I LOVE decor, and it showed in my house. We made the backyard quite special.

We are in a rental, it is in a nicer neighborhood as it happens. Could tear at me that I can't paint and glaze the kitchen cabinets as I would really like to do but I don't let myself think about it. It is a nice rental and I do feel at home here. We are okay, we really, really are. Everyone found jobs, credit is ruined but that is also ok as I don't even know if I want to own another house. No worries about repairs and maintenance etc.

My point is, I have been somewhere similar to where you are, and it turned out well. Even if you have to move into a rental for a while it will be ok. I am postive you will be ok.

Jane said...

Praying that you find your new home soon, Laura! Hang in there! You have so many holding you in thoughts and prayers. You are loved!

Mimi said...

HI LAURA!!
I am saying a PRAYER for you now.......is it that ki nd of market again???NOW THAT makes me mad.....investors who swoop in...buy and then RAISE these prices so it seems like they are worth more then they are.......this is crazy...bugs me to no end...
HOME will be found soon....keep the faith
hugs,
jamie

Liz said...

Wow! I'm so sorry!
I used to believe that God never gave us more than we could handel .... But I don't believe that anymore. I believe, just like you, that this is an excersize in faith. Keep waiting for that blessing... And don't forget He has sent one to come along side to help you bear the burden. I'll keep praying for you!!!!

~Liz

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary Ellen said...

HOld on dear friend- He will never leave you or forsake you even when it comes to housing. These times are always such testing stretching times and we just want them over but His whole plan is to make us more like Jesus (and our heart's desire too) and these are the things that get us there. Know He has just the house for you and you are going to look back and be so thankful!

bee blessed
mary

Tammy's in Love said...

Light a candle and say a prayer! Smile. There are many of us out here praying for you.

Hugs,
Tammy

Kathy A Delightsome Life said...

Stepping out in faith takes everything we've got - most especially to completely lean on God. I know you'll make it through and encourage your family along the way,
Kathy

Susan (My Place to Yours) said...

Oh, Laura, my heart breaks for you, and I want to ask God "How long are you going to let her struggle like this?" But I'm reminded that some situations have no shortcut for getting to the end. Do you remember the Andrae' Crouch song "Through it All"? Notice it doesn't say "around it all" or "in spite of it all" -- but THROUGH it all. (Darn! ... sometimes that's the deal.) The last verse ends with the words, "For if I'd never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve them, I'd never know what faith in God could do."

Ephesians 6:10 - "Be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might." I'm praying that for you with Hope right now and will continue to do so until you have come THROUGH this part of your journey.

Maria (Magia Mia) said...

All will be well, Laura. This, too, shall pass........